OddAmerica

’tis the season to eat!

Borrowed from undisclosed source:

I hate this time of year. Not for its crass commercialism and
forced frivolity, but because it’s the season when the food
police come out with their wagging fingers and annual tips on
how to get through the holidays without gaining 10 pounds. You
can’t pick up a magazine without finding a list of holiday
eating do’s and don’ts. Eliminate second helpings, high-calorie
sauces and cookies made with butter, they say. Fill up on
vegetable sticks, they say. Good grief. Is your favorite
childhood memory of Christmas a carrot stick? I didn’t think
so. It isn’t mine, either. A carrot was something you left for
Rudolph. I have my own list of tips for holiday eating. I assure
you, if you follow them, you’ll be fat and happy. So what if you
don’t make it to New Year’s? Your pants won’t fit any more,
anyway.

1. About those carrot sticks. Avoid them. Anyone who puts
carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas
spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next
door, where they’re serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine
single- malt scotch, it’s rare. In fact, it’s even rarer than
single-malt scotch. You can’t find it any other time of year but
now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every
sip? It’s not as if you’re going to turn into an egg-nogaholic
or something. It’s a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have
two. It’s later than you think. It’s Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That’s the whole point
of gravy. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed
potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they’re made with skim
milk or whole milk. If it’s skim, pass. Why bother? It’s like
buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to
control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas
party is to eat other people’s food for free. Lots of it. Hello?
Remember college?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and
New Year’s. You can do that in January when you have nothing
else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you’ll need
after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate
of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table,
like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa,
position yourself near them and don’t budge. Have as many as you
can before becoming the center of attention. They’re like a
beautiful pair of shoes. You can’t leave them behind. You’re not
going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of
each. Or, if you don’t like mincemeat, have two apples and one
pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more
than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it’s loaded with the
mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I
mean, have some standards, mate.

10. And one final tip: If you don’t feel terrible when you leave
the party or get up from the table, you haven’t been paying
attention. Reread tips. Start over. But hurry! Cookieless
January is just around the corner.

OMG!!!

Happy Holidays!

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